SOS Save Our Sanity
by Shelbo
Summary: What happens when Martin, Rose,and Felldoh's trip down the Marshmallo River is ruined? They try to escape from a ship full of phantoms, divas, bone people, drunk apes, stupid republicans, and a creepy dinosaur. Can there sanity be saved. Will they go mad?
1. With a Great Big Hug

Okay, this story has characters who do not belong to me. All characters from _Bone_ belong to Jeff Smith. All Phantom of the Opera characters belong to Gaston Leroux, Donkey Kong is copyright to Nintendo, George Bush is copyright to the Devil, and so is BARNEY THE FRIGGIN' DINOSAUR!!! Grrr...he annoys me to no end. Redwall belongs to Brian Jacques. 

(Here we see Martin the Warrior and Felldoh in a boat floating down the Marshmallow River. Rose is water-skiing behind the boat.) p 

Rose: FWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (the skiis come up and smack her in the face) Not fweee.

Martin: Be careful Rose. The EVIL one lurks around in the Educational Televison Forest.

Felldoh: You mean Badrang?

Martin: slaps him NO! _IT _is on PBS Kids (a.k.a. Crap TV)  
Felldoh: Er...Teletubbies?  
Martin: Uh uh.  
Felldoh: Well, dang who is it?  
A deep disturbing voice: Huh huh huh, "crap" and "dang" are very bad words.  
(A huge, purple dinosaur jumps into the boat) p  
Martin: (screams like a little girl and jumps into Rose's arms) Mommy.  
Barney: "With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you,  
Won't you come into...my...room"  
Rose/Felldoh/Martin: AHHHHH!!!!! CHILD MOLESTER ON DECK!  
Barney: Stuuuuuuuuuuupendous!

(In intense fear, Felldoh, Martin, and Rose go down below the ship and lock the door)  
Felldoh: Psssst, Rose, is he up there?  
Rose: (unlocks the door and peeks out) Uh, Martin, it wasn't a good idea to have the only potty be in here and the door be lock.  
Martin: Why?  
Rose: (beckons him) Come look.  
Martin: WTF! How much crap can a dinosaur poop out?!?!?! WHAT A MESS!

Barney: "If all the raindrops were lollipops and gumdrops,  
Oh what a rain it would be.  
If the fluffy squirrel and mice would come out to _play_

It would make my molesting day."  
Felldoh: Oh god. (faints)


	2. Which Way to Town?

I decided to throw in Kermit the Frog, so enjoy the next burst of insanity 

(While Martin, Rose, and are under the deck, Barney is sailing the boat singing)  
Barney:

"Do yo chain hang lo, Do it wobble to an' fro Is it platnium is it gold?  
Can you fro it o'er yo showder,  
If it hot it make you cold.  
Do yo chain hang low?"

Martin: 0.o Rose.  
Felldoh: ROCK ON!  
Martin: (slaps Felloh) Newsflash: Us and 50 Cents are stuck on a run away boat.  
Felldoh: WOW! 50 Cents is here?  
Rose: No, we're talking about Barney. And as Martin was saying, nothing can get worse.  
Martin: Don't say it!

(All the sudden Christine, Raoul, Piangi, Erik, and Carlotta poof onto the deck)  
Barney: HELLO BOYS AND GIRLS!  
Christine.  
Erik: My GAWD! What is that?  
Martin: (whispers from under the deck) Pssssst, down here.  
Raoul: Mickey!  
Martin: No, I'm Martin the Warrior. It's a common mistake though.  
Rose: Come on, get under the deck before something BAD happens.  
(All humans go under the deck)  
Barney: (sobs) Wait, kids! We didn't even do the hokey-pokey.

Piangi: Wooooh, what was dat ting oop thare?  
Felldoh: _That_ was Barney.  
Carlotta: (points at Martin and Rose) OMG! Eet's vermeen. Save me, Piangi. Heeeelp!  
Erik: (slaps Carlotta) You dumbbutt, these vermin saved us. Unlike Mickey.  
(Flashback)  
_5-year-old-Erik: (in Disneyworld) YAY! It's Mickey.  
Mickey Mouse: Aggggh, run away from the boy with the ugly face. Raaaah._  
(back to the present)  
Piangi: (kicks Erik, Martin, Rose, and Felldoh) Yoo leave mah gurlfreend alown!  
Carlotta: Hmph!  
Rose: (smirks) Well, since Barney is not leaving anytime soon, let's introduce ourselves. I'm Laterose of Noonvale.  
Felldoh: I'm Felldoh.  
Piangi: I eem Piangi, tenor at de Oopera Poopulaire.  
Raoul: (rolling on the floor laughing) HAR HAR HAR. He said poop!  
Christine: I'm Christine Daae.  
Erik: I'm Erik the Phantom, and I'm there inside your minds.  
Carlotta; rolls her eyes I yam La Carlotta Guidicelli, a soprano, and beeter dan all yoo bas-  
Raoul: I'M JON JACOB JINGLEHEIMER SMITH!

Kermit: (sitting on a log playing the banjo)  
Rose: Which way to town?  
Kermit: Back der way you came (pulls out a bazooka and shoots her)  
Martin: ROSE!  
Barney: (hugs Martin) "I love you, you love me..."


	3. Carlotta's Shoes are Stupendous

(As we left off, our so called "heros" are trapped on a boat with Barney, the cast of POTO, and Kermit the Frog. Rose got shot, but by miracle, lives)  
Raoul: (raises head up to the clouds and yells) IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!  
Erik: It's not even Christmas, you fop.  
Christine: Eh, someone say my name?  
Carlotta: No, leetle toad.  
Kermit: That's an insult!  
Carlotta: (mockingly) That'sa insult.  
Kermit: Stop it!  
Carlotta: Stoop it.  
Kermit: Lady!  
Carlotta: Leedy!  
Kermit: I suck!  
Carlotta: I sooka, HEY! Vat ees de meaning ov dis?  
Piangi: (comforts her) De froggie ting ees beinga sarcastic.  
Carlotta: (stupidly) Huh?  
Erik: Let me explain so incredible stupid people, such as yourself, can understand. The frog thinks he's a wiseguy.  
Martin: (to Kermit) Will ya stop it?  
Kermit: No.  
Felldoh: Well, if you don't will let you stay with the Child molester out there.  
(Barney can be heard singing, "The Won't You Come Into My Room?" song)  
Kermit: Urrrrr, I'll stick with you guys.  
Piangi: Oooh, I feel seaseek. (throws up)  
Rose: (rushes over to him and starts patting him on the back) Are you okay.  
Piangi: (stares up at the prettyful mouse) Si, signora.  
Carlotta: (stomps brattily) THAT'S MY NICKNAME! Rose: He can call me "signora" whenever he wants.  
Piangi: Because she ees bella!  
Carlotta: (screams) I'M YOUR GIRLFREEND!  
Piangi: Oh, you are. I breekup wid you den. We froo.  
Carlotta: (pushes Rose) You're not a good as me.  
Rose: Yes I am.  
Carlotta: (starts strutting around) Can you do dis, mousie?  
Rose: Can ya do this? (snaps her hand in a Z-formation)  
Carlotta: (runs into Kermit's arms sobbing) No, I can't.  
Piangi: (huggles Rose) Cara ees a beeg fat brat.  
Martin: (pulls out sword) Let go of my girlfriend!  
Piangi: No.  
Martin: YOU BETTER!  
Piangi: (jumps off the boat and swings across on a vine, holding onto Rose)  
Rose: Bye bye Martin!  
Piangi: Bye Bye Carlotta.  
Martin: ROSE!  
Carlotta: (crying) PIIIIIIANGIIIII! (moodswing) Kermit, vat do you tink of mah shoes?  
Barney: I think they're STUUUUUUUUUPENDOUS! 


	4. Your Butt's on Fire

(Piangi decides Carlotta is a fat old brat, so he falls in love with Rose. They go off into the Educational TV Forest and join the Boo-Bah nation and then raise mouse-human babies. Anyways, while Martin is depressed, Carlotta is replacing Piangi)

Kermit: (crooning out ballads while playing the banjo) I love you Carrie, You got a big belly.

Carlotta: HEY!

Barney: You're stupendous! You're special. I love you, you love me. We're a great big family!

Kermit: No, Barney! Here's the song: I hate you! YOU HATE ME! Let's hang Barney to a treeeeee!...

Carlotta: Wid a knife een hees back, and a booleet een hees head...

Kermit/Carlotta: I'M SO GLAD THAT BARNEY'S DEAD!

Barney: Death is not a good thing, unless you do it with the person your killing before you kill them. (skips out humming and clapping)

Martin/Christine/Felldoh/Erik: (stare at Barney)...

Felldoh: Grrrrr...he gets on my last nerves.  
Martin: Aye, but we have to stick around 'till he leaves.  
Christine: (to Martin) By the way, in ther duet, did Carlotta say bullsh.  
Erik: No, she said "bullet.  
Christine: OH!  
Raoul: Ooh ooh! Let someone spy on Barney and say what he's doing!  
Erik: For once, tall, dark, and brainless has a good idea.  
Felldoh: Ah, but who should we send.  
Kermit: (learned some snobbiness from his new Italian girlfriend) Aw puh-leez, I'm not going out there!  
Everyone: (stares conivivingly at him)  
Kermit: Crap...I never did Carlotta, and now I'm gonna die.

Christine: (shoves Kermit out of the door) Now show 'em what your made of.  
Carlotta: (flutters her eyelashes at Kermit) Ah, hee's sooch a mahn!  
Kermit: (waves to Barney) Hey Barney!  
Barney: Yay! I gotta new friend!  
(An hour later)  
Barney: (chasing Kermit around the deck slapping the sides of his head singing)  
"Peanut butter inside,  
On the outside is Jelly!  
Seven days of the week,  
Seven in mah Chevy!"

Carlotta: Hey, you beeg puhple niggy! Leet go of my mahn! His body is mine!  
Barney: (beams) Don't worry, big fat lady! We can share his body.  
Carlotta: (cold stare)  
Raoul: (once again rolling on the floor laughing) HAHAHA!! He said "Share!"

(Kermit goes into the Captain's cabin)

Barney: (sitting on the desk wearing fishernet boots) Hey Kermit, do you have a big appetite?

(The next day)

Kermit: (runs into the lower deck screaming) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
Carlotta: Kermy, your butt eez on fire! (licks finger and uses it to put it out)  
Kermit: Sweet mama! (passes out)

Christine: What is up with him?  
Carlotta: (shrugs) 


End file.
